Great big room for one

Bedroom

Hello you

Please come and have a good old nosey around our delightful house. Or we can zoom it right up and livestream a kind of personal pound-shop Cribs.

It'll be a fun night out if nothing else. Promise.

It's not a staggering-about-on-ket-eating -flour-straight-from-the-bag kind of place, but then neither are we a gang of shusshy shushers scratching out snippy Post-it 'reminders' in silent fury whenever someone farts.

It's right in that rare, hard-to-reach sweet spot between the two.

It's not a showhome, there's some small tatty bits, but they only begin to grate on your soul after you've lived here for a few years and you've begun to regret every decision you ever made.

What you'll quickly realise (right now, because I'm telling you) is that it is in fact a delightful, relaxed, funny (serious at the right moments) household in a fantastic location.

I know they all say that, but this house isn't like all those other houses.

It's a quiet street, nice neighbours, nice nice nice etc. Shops are just up there for all your general provisions and libido-enhancing tonic wines.

The marshes are just down there where I'm pointing - handy to have such a contemplative place to think your most philosophical thoughts. Or have a tinny and a stroll, or a picnic, whatever, it's your life - live it.

There's the train which'll scud you to and fro from your wage prison or your strictly rationed leisure time. But that's usually just the rainy day option as you can bike to most of the important places (M&M World, The lastminute. com London Eye, Masala Zone etc) in about half an hour.

Back to the house. There's a shared living room with a functioning sofa - you can have your mates to stay and they can try to get a decent night's kip on it.

There's a garden where we've grown things like good preppers. But mostly it's just good for laying in the sun, drying your sheets (mmm that smell) or burning confidential waste in that hobo's brazier thing (mmm that smell).

And a big kitchen. For BIG appetites.

Who the eff are we? There is Tom, Cora and Ed - people. And also Ted - cat.

There you go, it's big, empty, extremely roomlike and available and we need you.

Meow.