Nice house for a decent person.

Hello

I am looking to rent my spare room out - ideally to a professional female with a sense of humour.

The house is in Portslade. If you are not local, I am in the quiet bit (Overdown Rise) up near the Downs. Not a street drinker, heroin addict or criminal in sight. There is ample free parking around with no silly permits needed.

I am a 2 minutes walk away from the terminus of the 1 and 1a bus route which means a Double Decker bus is near enough always there. It goes right in to town and takes between 20 and 30 mins depending on the rush hour. It also goes directly to the RSCH. There is, within the same 2 minutes walk, a very good Indian and Chinese and a large corner shop. Lastly, and bizarrely, there is an award winning tattoo and body piercing parlour - in the heart of Mileoak??. I am also a two minute drive away from the local farm shop and less than 5 minutes from either the big Tescos / Next / M&S or West Hove Sainsbury’s. As I now sound like an estate agent, the best bit is I am a 20 seconds (yes 20 seconds) walk away from the South Downs National Park if you like country walking or horses. Gatwick is about a 30 minute drive away or around 1hr with a combination of bus and direct train from Portslade Station.

I am open to the idea of having a dog. Occasionally I look after other peoples’ dogs (very friendly ones) but they may eat a cat so...... no cats I am afraid. And if you are a strange entomologist type with bug or spider pets, then please read no further. Caged rodents of the mice, hamster, gerbil, chinchilla type are, however, not an issue as long as they don’t smell.

The house is in good order with large kitchen, dining room and cosy front room with two sofas and most mod cons (WM / DW / 42" TV etc.) I have the best music and movie collection I know of with Sky Sports and unlimited wi-fi. There are two bathrooms (strange lay out) with a small back garden. There is also a garage for large storage or a bike.

The bedroom is technically a single. There is a fairly new small double bed with a memory mattress and wardrobe and drawers. If you have your own pinball machine or large train set, this is not the place for you. But it is more than adequate for need and other storage options are available around the house.

About me. I am a male aged 42. I work in training so enjoy a good chat and cup of tea. I love quality TV - such as Corrie and EastEnders and the more serious crime dramas around. I also enjoy a good Horror or Thriller movie. I am a bit of a music snob and like what I like and the rest is awful. Love Bowie, Morrissey, Cohen, Suede, Beach Boys, Beatles, Divine Comedy, Elvis - music with tunes! Must say, not a big rap or dance music fan. I am a blokey bloke if I want to be - I do enjoy football, cricket and James Bond but am also in touch with my feminine side insofar as I tidy up behind me and have shed the odd tear at Lost Long Family or DIY SOS. Further, I certainly do not roll in drunk nor lead a raucous lifestyle! Oh, and I eat meat in case you are an easily offended veggie type. However, I will not eat fois gras, because it is cruel.

I am actually a very laid back person, but as this is my house and we have to get along please bear in mind the following 14 point checklist; some of which are based on my own experiences with previous housemates:

14 POINT CHECKLIST:

1. You are female. Not required for any creepy reason but for the fact I work in a totally male dominated environment and some feminine company would be nice for a change. Also, girls are cleaner (face the facts guys), smell better, make better tea and would be more willing to do my ironing.

2. If you are a student then you must not fit the stereotype. I was one once and am way past skateboarding, playing silly computer games, thinking new trainers are more important than work and cooking cheap pasta dishes 7 days a week. Also, during your ridiculously long holidays you are not sitting indoors every day.

3. You are fluent in English. I am not a TEFL teacher and have no desire to be.

4. You are friendly. I have lived with cold fish before and they are just too annoying. I don't want a new best friend, but I do want the odd laugh whilst watching TV or having in depth discussions about whether or not Lucy Beale was anorexic or is Carla Connor really a monkey? Also whilst I live 20 seconds from the South Downs and a ten minute run from the seafront please do not think I would ever want to go running with you. I am a nearing middle-aged, over-weight male who has no interest whatsoever in being the next Mo Farah.

5. You are not some young airhead – we will have nothing in common if you insist on One Direction posters and eating sweets before dinner.

6. Likewise you are not too old – again we will have nothing in common and I don’t like soup that much.

7. You will not smoke – even outside. It smells on the person and I do not wish to inhale your foul, stinking habit.

8. You will not do drugs – I will take you to the police station myself if I ever find them.

9. Not too noisy – I go to bed between 10-12 and would expect respectful behaviour. A working knowledge on how to shut a door quietly would be beneficial. Sorry no bar/restaurant workers coming in at 2am every morning on a weekday.

10. This is for a single occupancy – if you have a boyfriend / girlfriend who is always staying over using my electricity and gas, watching my TV and drinking my tea – go and find another mug or if you love them that much go and live together. Of course I do not mind visitors. Also if you have a dinner party, all I ask for is a plate of food (and pudding!!!!)brought to me and I will happily leave you in peace. I also do not want to feel like some gooseberry in my own home.

11. Likewise you will realise that this is not a bad deal at all so with regards to general utility you will respect economy and not spend 30 minutes in the shower, leave the oven on by mistake for hours on end, run the washing machine on 120 degrees topspin for 3 pairs of socks and understand that bills cost money!!

12. You are of a tidy nature – I am not OCD but how difficult is it to put a dirty cup in the dishwasher?

13. You will agree that Tottenham Hotspurs are the greatest football team ever (or at least pretend in front of me)

14. You are not some Mother Earth, liberal, tree-hugging, hippy type who wears bipperty- bopperty hats, have ridiculous piercings and eats Tofu for fun – I am slightly right of center and can not be bothered with yoghurt knitters, 'art therapy' workers and Amelie wannabes.

If you deviate from my 14 point check list please advise me accordingly as to why I should consider you.

So..........because the house is not town centre, it is technically a single room and you have to live with me, all I ask is £360pcm which to save you getting your calculator out is roughly £83 per week. This will, as stated, include ALL bills.

Considering the quality of the house, not being on a council estate and the fact I will allow a dog I think this is the best deal on spareroom!

Thanks for reading and I look forward to receiving replies from those who haven’t read a single word I have typed or who haven’t really seen any humour in my posting. But the ones I really enjoy receiving are the one-liners that say "When can I come and view the room?", often in text speech or broken English, with absolutely no information about the person at all!

Cheerio.

P. S to clarify one thing, I am joking about the ironing quip.